Not On Our Watch

Friends, Countryman, and Fellow Drinkers of our Favorite Inebriant........Beer.

As I sit here on a Saturday evening when Ohio State has had the weekend off, I find myself doing something I am not likely to do when the Buckeyes play in the fall.

Read.

Understanding that nothing good comes from reading (at least this is what I have been told by my knuckle-dragging friends) I came across this article that shook me to my foundation. I will provide the link for any of you who might be of common mind. Or for those of you who are simply killing time until the next football game starts.

http://news.yahoo.com/beer-bar-u-tradition-getting-stale-223154271--sector.html

For those of you not so inclined to waste your time reading, I will give you the edited version in a sentence.

Americans are drinking less beer than ever, and one of the consequences of this Obama-nation ( see what I did there? ) is the decline in neighborhood bars.

This will NOT happen on our watch.

I did not grow up watching my Uncle Tommy (affectionately know as Uncle Drunk) drinking a shot and a beer at his kitchen counter, before heading out to have a shot and a beer ( x's 12 ) at the same local tavern that he had frequented on the south side of Chicago for over 30 years as an employee at U.S. Steel, just so my generation could deny the importance of beer and the neighborhood bar.

I did not spend countless hours sitting at The Bier Stube, or Andy Capps, or The Olde Mohawk, or the O.B. Cafe, or Spuckys, or the Horseshoe, or Ruby Begonias, or the Blue Danube, or Pac Shores, or the Pour House, or Foggy's Notion, or dozens more that have been lost to memory and time, just so I could watch it fade away into time without an effort to do my part for beer and bars.

First of all, what the hell is the Beer Institute and why do they have a douche for a spokesperson?

"Contrary to the myth that people go out and drown their sorrows, the truth is that beer drinkers are pretty responsible people and when they have to cut back, they're cutting back on their pleasures," said Chris Thorne, vice president of communications at the Beer Institute, a Washington-based trade group.

I don't know who Chris Thorne is, but if I ever meet this low-life I will drop him where he stands.

Mr. Thorne, don't even begin to think that you speak on my behalf, or anyone else that I know, who enjoys the delights of an ice-cold brew with a head so beautiful, and a body so light that I have proposed to more glasses of beer than I have women. There is a joy in irresponsibility that not only gives me pleasure, but lets me know that I am alive that I will never "cut back" on. You sir are a mouth-piece with no voice in my world.

Also, a word to the mass-producing brewers of the world. Read this sentence and see if you see the problem.

"....regional and local brews are more expensive and tend to be more recession-proof than mass-consumption brands like Miller Lite and Bud Light."

See it?

No?

I didn't think so. Maybe that's one of the reasons your sales are lagging.

Did you see the beers they mentioned?

Miller Lite and Bud Light?

Seriously?

Why when I was a young pup if you would have even suggested that I should try a "lite" beer I would have stolen your money,beat the shit out of you, and then drank a Miller High Life over your twitching body while relieving myself on you.

You want people to drink beer again. Brew something that doesn't taste or look like the urine I just spoke of.

As far as I can tell this is our generations fault.

It would be so easy to blame it on todays youth and hipster crowd. But the sad truth is, we let this happen.Any generation that can swing from peace,love,and understanding to a stagnant,divided,house that is known as the single-most malignant generation to ever come to power in this country MUST be held responsible for its sins.

Our generation doesn't drink beer any more because it's not healthy.

Bull!

A recently released study ".... showed that moderate consumption of beer decreases drinkers' risk of heart disease by 31 per cent, just as much as moderate consumption of wine."

Forget the use of the word moderate in the study. It say's it's healthy! That is what is important. The next time someone throws unhealthy into a conversation about beer you have my permission to begin the beat down.


Need another reason we are to blame?

We drink wine.

Now all of you wine drinkers, don't get your granny panties and grumpy old man underwear in a bunch.

I drink wine too.

I like wine.

In moderation.

I have yet to sit in a bar and drink 10 or 12 wines and look across the bar and see a vision of what I think is the most beautiful woman in the world, only to wake the next morning and be mistaken.

Wine apparently does not affect the frontal lobe and therefore does not influence my judgement and reasoning. Obviously an inferior product.

We need neighborhood bars so that my children, my children's children, and all of the generations to follow can see the same things we did.

They need to see the world from a stool or a badly-lit, torn, red-vinyled booth.

They need to understand that it's not right to pee in the sink just because your favorite bar only has one urinal and the line is ten deep.

They need a place to work while they save to do something else.

They need to become friends with the bar "regulars" so that they know what not to become later in life.

They need someplace to meet after classes are out, when work is done, or when they are "just in the neighborhood".

So I propose that we as the leaders of the world at this time and place,do our part to make sure that beer and the neighborhood bar regain their rightful place in the pantheon of rightful places. No longer will we watch as our holy places, our places of worship, be given over to agents of PC-speak. No longer will walk into a bar and be accosted by a sommelier. (Look it up) . We will walk in to our neighborhood bars for ourselves, our children, and all who follow. We will sit down at our favorite seat and order a cold, refreshing beer that doesn't have the word light (or any other derivative of the word), drink until we are content, follow our noses to the bathroom, relieve ourselves, then sit back down and do it again.

I urge all of you to stop at your local neighborhood bar at least once this coming week. Reunite with some old friends. Say hello to Mr. Sam Adams. Ms. Pauli Girl.Hell, you could even say hey to Mr. Busch and I wouldn't get mad.

As long as it's not his degenerate brother Light.

Kalt